Lessons from a Military Medical Marriage
We all know that medical marriages are complicated ones. As well, I can attest that military ones are highly complicated as well. In fact, from what I hear from my civilian counterparts, their lives are at times very similar to mine. I'm here today to let you know about some of the lessons which I have learned through my military career and marriage to help you along your journey.
Military Life
In 2011, was when my wife Julie started her journey to become a physician. She was accepted into the Northern Ontario School of Medicine (NOSM) and with no base anywhere near it we decided I would stay in the Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) and remain at CFB Borden some 3.5 hours away. We would live like this for 3 years until I was stationed in Kingston, Ontario extending the weekend commute to some 6hrs. In Julie's final year of med school, NOSM allowed for a number of exterior placements which we took advantage of for her to come "home" in Kingston. The only problem was that I was working at 1st Canadian Division Headquarters. Canada's High-Readiness unit where I lived with my bags pretty much always packed. Therefore, as luck had it, I ended being sent away on various missions and tasks every time she came home for a placement.
It was 27 April 2015, a 8.1 magnitude earthquake had rocked and crippled Nepal just two days prior. I had been informed that Canada was to deploy its Disaster Assistance Response Team (DART) but not being a member of that specific team I was not concerned with mounting. Add to that, just one day prior Julie had moved home ending the 4 years of living apart and not to mention being six months pregnant with our first child.
Around 11am my phone rang, it was my boss. I had to get my kit, the plane was leaving in 3.5hrs and I had to get to it in Trenton STAT. I quickly did the math in my head and realized I had a total of 1.5hrs to get everything sorted out at home including packing the final stuff and making sure Julie was settled. As I hung up, Julie looked at me and said "What's up?"
"I'm going to Nepal, don't know how long, I have to be in Trenton in 2.5hrs [even the military needs to show up to military airports 1 hour in advance] and I don't have time to talk to you right now."
Epic fail in supporting my spouse…check. To make a long story short, I never deployed but instead ended up working out of Trenton prioritizing the equipment loaded onto the CC-177 Globemasters which ended up helping the people of Kathmandu and neighbouring areas.
Fast forward 18 months later, I had taken over the role of Officer Commanding Logistics Support Squadron, CFB Kingston. Essentially think of it as being a CEO of a 200 person company with 5,000 clients. Meanwhile Julie was in the middle of residency and away on a placement. Essentially a CEO and single dad…life was great. I had left work one day because our son was sick. I still can see it, on the phone deconflicting maintenance and support priorities when the full effect of gastro hit him in the middle of my kitchen to which I simply said, "I'll call you back." There in that moment I was no longer Major but rather a “single” dad whose son needed him. I don't know if I did or not but sometimes it's how it goes.
Bringing It Together
So how does it all relate? Here are some thoughts on the similarities.
Flexibility - our lives are constant flux. Whether that is from changing call schedules or a deployment notice. We need to be flexible in our thoughts and approaches to our lives. We can’t control every aspect so we need to accept that, and do what we can with what we can.
Communication - “I don't have time to talk” might have been legitimate but definitely not the best approach. Keeping our spouse aware of what is going on in our lives and how we feel about things will not only bring us together more but lessen the potential resentment. When things are crazy busy, communication is often the first thing to go but it’s the thing which binds us together, so prioritize it.
Focus on the goal - Whether you go into medicine or join the military, you do so with a goal in mind. During those tough times reminding us why we chose this life, can be that saving grace that enables us to push though. Whether that’s helping people in the treatment room, field, or maybe both for the betterment of people in general or maybe it’s to set your family up for success in the future. Either way, focus on that goal and why and it’ll help you to the end.
As much as things may be different between a traditional medical marriage and a military one, things are very much the same. It’s less about what we go through in our lives but rather how we go through those things. Keeping focused on what we can control, thinking long-term, and ultimately having an understanding will enable us to be successful in the end.
By Scott McCarthy
Author Bio: Scott McCarthy is the Director of Operations of Dads Married to Doctors (DMD). He is married to Julie, a Medical Officer in the Canadian Armed Forces, who he met in university while attending Officer candidate training at the Royal Military College of Canada. Together they have two sons – Ethan and Benjamin and have married since 2005. During the daytime, Scott is a senior Canadian Army Officer specialized in Logistics – Transportation and Movements. He has deployed across the globe in various roles during deployments. Most noteably being his 7-month deployment to Kandahar, Afghanistan where he directly embedded with a unit of the Afghan National Army. In his next to nonexistent spare time, Scott is an avid podcaster and coach. He has his own podcast on Leadership, as well as coaches people on goal setting, leadership, and self-improvement. Scott’s personal motto is “kaizen” which is Japanese for continuous improvement.